One of Those Days

Just having one of those days today. A day when I'm afraid of change. A day when I'm feeling old. A day when it's hard to see how things will get better. A day when I miss drinking.

I know that I'm not missing anything by not drinking. I know that I don't need a drink. But today I miss it. I miss the smell. I miss the taste. I miss sitting at a bar and talking to whoever might be sitting next to me. I miss believing that it is relaxing me. Maybe it is because I am coming up on 5 years sober. A friend told me that, for some reason, 5 years is a hard time for a lot of people. I think I miss it today because someone close to me, who told me that drinking wasn't important to them, showed me that it really is. When I quit drinking, I was amazed at how many people didn't really care whether they had a drink or not. I couldn't imagine doing anything that didn't involve alcohol in some way. Or every way. It gave me so much confidence to realize that alcohol just isn't that important. But those people that have told me that they could care less, really do. And it makes me feel like I'm missing out.

I don't miss getting drunk. I don't miss drunk-dialing and the ridiculous and embarrassing things that came out of my mouth. I don't miss getting nothing done. I don't miss the money I spent. I miss one drink. And everyone gets to have one but me...and all the other people like me.

I know that I can't have just one. I spent years trying to do that. But it never worked. I used to think that it was a complete lack of willpower. I have learned that its not. Its a disease. I still struggle to accept that. Just doesn't make sense to me. How can a disease make you order or open another drink when you know you shouldn't? But the same friend who told me that 5 years is hard, reminded me today that the disease is cunning and baffling. And he's right. Sometimes I have to stop using my head and let go. Let go, let God. There is a reason that AA has worked for so many for so long. You need people. You need support. You need a higher power. I need people. I need support. I need to rely on my higher power and just try to stop understanding everything. Some things can't be understood. Some things can't be explained. And I accept that.

So, for today, I am not going to drink. I have way too many good things in my life that I don't want to lose. So many things that I want to accomplish. And I will lose them if I drink. Plus, my life is so much better now. Drinking, even just one, will not add to that in any way. But it could take it away. Its not worth it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.