I just liked the lyrics of this song

Everybody Always Leaves - by Matthew Ryan

I remember sometimes
When you never came home
How I crawled inside
Those sad and lovely bones
That you left behind
Rarely held nor seen

Everybody always
Everybody always leaves

It was a third world town
In the great dead north
I felt a wedding bell shiver
Folded hands divorced
From a prayer for the permanent
Warmer tears on my sleeve

Everybody always
Everybody always leaves

Sometimes I can't remember nothing
Sometimes it shadows everything
Some Sundays it's as loud as thunder
In the morning when the telephone rings
Clearer days in some distant forecast
Dark days in the present past
In the blur of some phantom widescreen
I'll let go of what I never had

She took a mouthful of rain
With a gutter full of pills
She wrote, "I handled the pain,
But it's the hope that kills"
So take care of yourself
And don't worry about me

Cause everybody always
Everybody always leaves

Sometimes I can't remember nothing
Sometimes it shadows everything
Some Sundays it's as loud as thunder
In the morning when the telephone rings
Clearer days in some distant forecast
Dark days in this present past
In the blur of some phantom widescreen
I'll let go of what I never had
Don't leave...
Don't leave...
I'll never understand...
Don't leave......

What I Want

What I want is to be happy. Is that unrealistic? Is it just a spoiled American ideal that we are entitled to happiness? I know that God promises hope and a future. Does it say in the Bible that we are promised happiness? I would imagine it may somewhere, I just don't know.

I want to be content. There was a short time where I actually felt that. I couldn't figure out what I was feeling and then laughed out loud when I realized that for the first time in my life, I was content. I wasn't where I wanted to be for the rest of my life, but for that moment, I was completely content with my life.

I want to be comfortable. Not comfortable by material things. Comfortable emotionally. I don't want so much discomfort. I don't want to be on edge all the time wondering what is going to go wrong next, when the next time people close to me will get angry. I don't want to stop caring, I just don't want to be around people like that anymore.

There are many other things that I want, but I believe if I had these things, I would be able to live with the lack of anything else.

One of Those Days

Just having one of those days today. A day when I'm afraid of change. A day when I'm feeling old. A day when it's hard to see how things will get better. A day when I miss drinking.

I know that I'm not missing anything by not drinking. I know that I don't need a drink. But today I miss it. I miss the smell. I miss the taste. I miss sitting at a bar and talking to whoever might be sitting next to me. I miss believing that it is relaxing me. Maybe it is because I am coming up on 5 years sober. A friend told me that, for some reason, 5 years is a hard time for a lot of people. I think I miss it today because someone close to me, who told me that drinking wasn't important to them, showed me that it really is. When I quit drinking, I was amazed at how many people didn't really care whether they had a drink or not. I couldn't imagine doing anything that didn't involve alcohol in some way. Or every way. It gave me so much confidence to realize that alcohol just isn't that important. But those people that have told me that they could care less, really do. And it makes me feel like I'm missing out.

I don't miss getting drunk. I don't miss drunk-dialing and the ridiculous and embarrassing things that came out of my mouth. I don't miss getting nothing done. I don't miss the money I spent. I miss one drink. And everyone gets to have one but me...and all the other people like me.

I know that I can't have just one. I spent years trying to do that. But it never worked. I used to think that it was a complete lack of willpower. I have learned that its not. Its a disease. I still struggle to accept that. Just doesn't make sense to me. How can a disease make you order or open another drink when you know you shouldn't? But the same friend who told me that 5 years is hard, reminded me today that the disease is cunning and baffling. And he's right. Sometimes I have to stop using my head and let go. Let go, let God. There is a reason that AA has worked for so many for so long. You need people. You need support. You need a higher power. I need people. I need support. I need to rely on my higher power and just try to stop understanding everything. Some things can't be understood. Some things can't be explained. And I accept that.

So, for today, I am not going to drink. I have way too many good things in my life that I don't want to lose. So many things that I want to accomplish. And I will lose them if I drink. Plus, my life is so much better now. Drinking, even just one, will not add to that in any way. But it could take it away. Its not worth it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It has been a while

I haven't written in over a year but I hope I will write more often from now on. There's a bunch of things I could write about right now but I'm not in the mood to get too deep. I had planned on writing about Squirt, but I haven't been ready to talk about it yet and so a lot of time has gone by. So basically, the sole purpose of this post it to say that I will write again later :) I'm currently watching the Super Bowl and am still so broken-hearted that the Eagles aren't in it that I'm having trouble even paying attention to the game. But I do hope the Cardinals beat the Steelers.