I just liked the lyrics of this song

Everybody Always Leaves - by Matthew Ryan

I remember sometimes
When you never came home
How I crawled inside
Those sad and lovely bones
That you left behind
Rarely held nor seen

Everybody always
Everybody always leaves

It was a third world town
In the great dead north
I felt a wedding bell shiver
Folded hands divorced
From a prayer for the permanent
Warmer tears on my sleeve

Everybody always
Everybody always leaves

Sometimes I can't remember nothing
Sometimes it shadows everything
Some Sundays it's as loud as thunder
In the morning when the telephone rings
Clearer days in some distant forecast
Dark days in the present past
In the blur of some phantom widescreen
I'll let go of what I never had

She took a mouthful of rain
With a gutter full of pills
She wrote, "I handled the pain,
But it's the hope that kills"
So take care of yourself
And don't worry about me

Cause everybody always
Everybody always leaves

Sometimes I can't remember nothing
Sometimes it shadows everything
Some Sundays it's as loud as thunder
In the morning when the telephone rings
Clearer days in some distant forecast
Dark days in this present past
In the blur of some phantom widescreen
I'll let go of what I never had
Don't leave...
Don't leave...
I'll never understand...
Don't leave......

What I Want

What I want is to be happy. Is that unrealistic? Is it just a spoiled American ideal that we are entitled to happiness? I know that God promises hope and a future. Does it say in the Bible that we are promised happiness? I would imagine it may somewhere, I just don't know.

I want to be content. There was a short time where I actually felt that. I couldn't figure out what I was feeling and then laughed out loud when I realized that for the first time in my life, I was content. I wasn't where I wanted to be for the rest of my life, but for that moment, I was completely content with my life.

I want to be comfortable. Not comfortable by material things. Comfortable emotionally. I don't want so much discomfort. I don't want to be on edge all the time wondering what is going to go wrong next, when the next time people close to me will get angry. I don't want to stop caring, I just don't want to be around people like that anymore.

There are many other things that I want, but I believe if I had these things, I would be able to live with the lack of anything else.

One of Those Days

Just having one of those days today. A day when I'm afraid of change. A day when I'm feeling old. A day when it's hard to see how things will get better. A day when I miss drinking.

I know that I'm not missing anything by not drinking. I know that I don't need a drink. But today I miss it. I miss the smell. I miss the taste. I miss sitting at a bar and talking to whoever might be sitting next to me. I miss believing that it is relaxing me. Maybe it is because I am coming up on 5 years sober. A friend told me that, for some reason, 5 years is a hard time for a lot of people. I think I miss it today because someone close to me, who told me that drinking wasn't important to them, showed me that it really is. When I quit drinking, I was amazed at how many people didn't really care whether they had a drink or not. I couldn't imagine doing anything that didn't involve alcohol in some way. Or every way. It gave me so much confidence to realize that alcohol just isn't that important. But those people that have told me that they could care less, really do. And it makes me feel like I'm missing out.

I don't miss getting drunk. I don't miss drunk-dialing and the ridiculous and embarrassing things that came out of my mouth. I don't miss getting nothing done. I don't miss the money I spent. I miss one drink. And everyone gets to have one but me...and all the other people like me.

I know that I can't have just one. I spent years trying to do that. But it never worked. I used to think that it was a complete lack of willpower. I have learned that its not. Its a disease. I still struggle to accept that. Just doesn't make sense to me. How can a disease make you order or open another drink when you know you shouldn't? But the same friend who told me that 5 years is hard, reminded me today that the disease is cunning and baffling. And he's right. Sometimes I have to stop using my head and let go. Let go, let God. There is a reason that AA has worked for so many for so long. You need people. You need support. You need a higher power. I need people. I need support. I need to rely on my higher power and just try to stop understanding everything. Some things can't be understood. Some things can't be explained. And I accept that.

So, for today, I am not going to drink. I have way too many good things in my life that I don't want to lose. So many things that I want to accomplish. And I will lose them if I drink. Plus, my life is so much better now. Drinking, even just one, will not add to that in any way. But it could take it away. Its not worth it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It has been a while

I haven't written in over a year but I hope I will write more often from now on. There's a bunch of things I could write about right now but I'm not in the mood to get too deep. I had planned on writing about Squirt, but I haven't been ready to talk about it yet and so a lot of time has gone by. So basically, the sole purpose of this post it to say that I will write again later :) I'm currently watching the Super Bowl and am still so broken-hearted that the Eagles aren't in it that I'm having trouble even paying attention to the game. But I do hope the Cardinals beat the Steelers.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Today is my Dad's birthday. He would have been 60 years old. Ten years ago I took him to dinner at the restaurant I worked at. He wouldn't tell me how old he was. It wasn't until after he died that I knew for sure he was 50. He wouldn't admit it. So I put that he was 49 in his obituary. We both had the prime rib. I don't really remember what we talked about. The only thing I remember is that his doctor finally found medication that could help him sleep. He said he slept through the night for the first time in 30 years. He was so excited about it. All I can say is that I'm glad the coroner (or whomever) took all his meds because I probably would have taken them, and anything that could put my Dad to sleep would probably kill me. After he died, I would go out on his birthday and drink a Micolob, the beer he drank when we went out, to celebrate and kinda feel like I was spending time with him. I can't do that anymore. I don't know what to do to have that closeness I used to feel. One of the biggest things we had in common was our love of beer. I'll be honest, its almost enough to get me to drink. But I won't. I just know that this day is going to pass and I won't feel like I did anything to honor him or spend time with him. I wonder what I would have done for him? Probably something simple. I was a terrible daughter. I never spent enough time with him and I was the most important thing in the world to him. But I was a kid. My friends came first. I think, given the chance, I would have made that up to him. We buried him 2 days before Father's Day. I was going to take him to Sullivan's for dinner that night. I had Wednesdays off and I knew he went to the VA in Media on Wednesdays. I was going to ask him if he would want to have lunch on Wednesdays. I knew it would mean the world to him and I was looking forward to him getting to know me as a person, not just his little girl. But anyway, I really don't have a point, I just felt like talking about my Dad. Happy Birthday Daddy.

I can't stand Bill Belichick

The more I watch the Patriots the more and more I loathe them. Its almost on the same level as my abhorrence of the Dallas Cowboys. Putting aside 'spygate' for just a moment, Bill Belichick's reaction to losing to the Colts last season was beyond despicable. The Colts had been trying for years to beat the Pats. It was their biggest obstacle. And year after year the Patriots would defeat them. I'm sure it hurt to lose the AFC Championship game, but when Peyton Manning went straight to Belichick to shake his hand and he ignored Peyton and actually hit him with his shoulder as they passed, that was some of the poorest sportsmanship I have ever seen. I lost all respect for the Pats coach at that moment. I actually liked the Patriots up until that point, despite having beaten my Eagles in the Super Bowl. I thought they were an organization to be looked up to. But to snub a quarterback like that and give the winning team no credit showed such a lack of class. They've won 3 Super Bowls. It just made him look like a big f***ing baby. But as it turns out, maybe he was just mad that his cameras couldn't help them adjust to the Colts' offensive line. I think the Patriots cheating shows exactly what kind of coach Belichick is. I don't care if they didn't benefit on one play from what they recorded, they cheated. It doesn't matter how much or little they gained, they tried to gain an unfair advantage over everyone else. Not only that, but they didn't even have the guts to admit it. Misinterpretation of the rules my ass. Belichick is a cheater and a liar. To say he wouldn't discuss it until Commissioner Goodell made a decision and then after the ruling, say he wouldn't talk about the past, shows an incredible disrespect for the fans and the league. The punishment should have been much harsher. Belichick should have been suspended. I just hope his crimes won't be forgotten, even though they already seem to be. How people can continue to support a team that demonstrates such a blatant disrespect for everyone is beyond me. Their talent and achievements will always be tarnished in my eyes, no matter if they continue to be successful. Unfortunately, history will likely be more than kind to the Patriots and Bill Belichick. Records and rings don't care that you're not a good person.

I know I will see him again

How do people deal with the death of a loved one if they don't believe in God? Or life after death? How can you get over the loss of someone if you don't believe you will ever see them again? I never would have gotten through the death of my father if I didn't believe that he was in a better place, that I could talk to him whenever I wanted, and that I would see him again one day. It still took me years to get to a place where I was a (somewhat) functioning adult, but that was only through believing that he was always with me. I could never have coped with his absence if I thought that death was final and that he didn't know how I felt or that he forgave me for everything I was sorry for. One of my Dad's best friends was never able to come to terms with his passing because to him, my Dad was just gone. He blamed my Dad for dying and was the loneliest person I've ever known. I'm not saying that I didn't go through all of those emotions, but I could get some peace, some alleviation of that intense grief with the comfort of knowing he was with me. I suppose those who don't believe in God see faith in an afterlife as a coping mechanism, a crutch, that people believe in God and heaven because they desperately need to in order to come to terms with death. I believe that is true, but I also know that God is there and that there is a heaven. Faith is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it takes a very strong person to believe in something intangible. (I use the word intangible for those who don't believe. To me, with my experiences, God if very tangible indeed.) It takes a very strong person to be able to step out from everything that we can see and feel and put their faith in something that is beyond our understanding. I'm about to go on and on about faith and that's really not what I intended to write about. I guess I'll just end by saying that my heart goes out to those who really think that death is the end. It must make a really terrible time in one's life so much harder.